I read this blog from Karen E Yates and really enjoyed it. Probably because it is so true. I think it can apply to relationships, co-workers, etc as well. I experienced this with my last relationship with an extremely insecure and deeply wounded girl who stonewalled me as well (I am on a very long list of people in her life she has stonewalled). These people are sad, but paint a picture to people that they are healthy. In others words, it’s easy to fall into their trap because we are easily attracted to them. I was vulnerable and fell for my ex because I had just gone through a tough break-up and she threw herself at me when it was over. These people work very hard for love, attention and praise. I’ve been very cautious these days of who I do life with and careful I keep safe people around me. Friendships and relationships should take time to grow, not rushed. We all have faults and sins and you want to make sure that the people you are doing life with are honest with themselves and taking their issues to God, not covering them up.
WHEN YOU PICK THE WRONG PERSON TO BE FRIENDS WITH
KAREN E YATES
I risked friendship for her. And it didn’t turn out so well.
Even now as I write about it, old feelings of rejection stir.
How could she cut me off?
What did I do?
Why wasn’t I enough for her?
Perhaps you’ve been there before. Or maybe you’re there right now. Can I just lean over and hug you and say: I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry you were rejected. I’m so sorry your offering, what you gave of yourself, was cast aside. I’m so sorry you were made to feel disposable.
You are most certainly NOT disposable.
In my case, with this particular friend, I look back and realize I should have known better. There were warning signs.
Warning #1
She came along when I was insecure and lonely. I recently married Bookguy and moved to his turf where I knew virtually no one. Nobody knew my maiden name–nobody knew my talents–nobody invited me to coffee. I was desperate for friendship; I would have befriended Stalin at the time.
Warning #2
Our friendship went from zero to 100 in less than two weeks. Several times a day she would call. We would chat about a myriad of things: Richard Hatch, boyfriends, Coldplay, and who would win The Mole? We would pray together, confide, give advice, and laugh. She seemed so “into” me. It felt nice, and … unnatural. Her way of doing friendship was different than mine. But luckily for her, I had time on my hands! And limited friends for her to compete with!
Warning #3
I chose to reciprocate friendship her way. I’ve never been the type of person to have one best friend. In fact, I pride myself on having many close friends. Yet here I was with her, hours soaked up by persistent girl-time with someone I barely knew. It was like making out all night long on your first date. Too much too soon. I was overwhelmed trying to keep up, and at the same time, I was smitten with her and the idea of us being ‘best friends.’
One Friday afternoon, about 9 months into our friendship, my phone rang. Sitting at my desk staring at a jar of pencils, she broke it off. It was actually the first time a girl friend told me directly they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. {We women are much more passive aggressive than that!}
Her excuse was something she called ‘the pit.’ Sometimes in relationships things are sailing along hunky dory when she wakes up with a pit in her stomach. She can’t explain why or where it comes from. But the pit is there. Whenever she thinks about the relationship, the pit in her stomach takes over, and she must end it.
She was ending us. She ‘got the pit’ with me.
I hung up the phone and thought of our whirlwind friendship: how fast it came, how fast it went. I felt rejected. I felt unwanted. I thought she was mean. And selfish.
I picked the wrong person to be friends with.
Have you ever picked the wrong friend? Has this happened to you? What would you do differently if you could?
For me, I’d …
Fall slower into friendship. Today I take my time in friendship, and that includes professional friendships. I watch and listen and observe. Sometimes I inquire about someone’s reputation. I am careful to allow time to grow what is a worthy, hopefully life-long relationship. I tread lightly at the beginning. Monthly lunches, occasional phone calls, text messages, emails. I am super friendly. But I am not overly eager. This is wisdom.
Be myself. I have learned that I can be me and you can be you, and we can still be friends, even if we have very little in common! I will never be a crafting, sewing, cooking mama, but this doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate friends who are! Chris Seay says you only need to have one thing in common with someone to be their friend. {I totally agree}. If you are a true friend, or if you sincerely want to be my friend, you will accept me as I am. This doesn’t mean permitting sinful, wrong behavior. It means my quirks are safe with you, my boundaries are respected, my talents appreciated, my heart and intellect, valued.
Not blame myself. She dropped me like a bag of potatoes. For whatever reason I was rejected. That was her choice. That is not my problem or my fault. I committed no wrong. I have nothing to be ashamed of. After she dropped me, I spent months wondering why. I agonized over how easily she disposed of me. And it got me nowhere. Only more unanswered questions and more hurt.
Friendship is earned, not entitled. It is a gift you give by your own volition. It stinks to have that gift thrown back in your face. But I am sincerely glad I’m no longer friends with someone who doesn’t appreciate what I have to offer.
A warm {hug} to those of you who know firsthand what it feels like to pick the wrong friend. Grace on you as you forgive and move on!
Karen
Living a life that Matters 