Living a life that Matters

I feel small.

Before November 2005, I was married to a beautiful woman, living in a big two-story house, had two nice vehicles and was spending every evening with my kids. I planned on coasting the rest of my life with this. I was comfortable. Yet I knew something was missing. My life was meaningless. I wasn’t being used for anything except to provide for this family.

After Thanksgiving, I was blind-sighted with divorce papers. Within a couple of months … all of that was gone. I was sleeping on an air mattress in a tiny room at someone’s house, my personal belongings in a storage, only seeing my kids a couple a evenings a week. I was in a state of shock. I was in tears almost every hour of the day. I had anxiety attacks. I wanted to know what happened..

But I had one thing with me… my Bible.

During that time, I surrendered my life to Chirst. I was done with being comfortable. I was done running. I had it with not doing anything with my life. I prayed and told God if he got me through this, I would live my life for him. Can I tell you something? He did just that. No.. it wasn’t easy, but God got me through it. I have devoted myself to living my life unconditionally for him. I have been on the most amazing ride of my life since then. God has blessed me so much! My life matters because God had a better plan for me. And I am living that! All I had to do was tell him ’yes Lord… I will follow you.’

In this past year God has called me to ministry. I felt him calling me when I returned from my trip to Belize back in Nov ’06. I have served faithfully in my church in that time. I have devoted my time to reading scripture everyday. I have learned so much and have matured much in my faith. God had blessed me with amazing friends to go on this journey with.

Yet… I feel he still has more in store for me. His plan is HUGE. There’s no ending to it. I will tell you that following God’s will is not easy. It’s scary. You never know what he has in store next. There are even times I have had to admit that I don’t always like what he has in store for me. I find myself saying “but how” and “what if”.

This month I have made margin in my life. I desire to know God’s will for me. Since then, I have been called to step up in a leadership role in my church. That means that I have to step up not only my walk in Christ, but be an example to others. I need to be mature in my faith.

I’’m not afraid of following God’s will. I am scared of failure. I have lived, for the most part, a pretty clean life since my divorce. But I have occasionally made mistakes here and there. I attend a very large church. I will admit that I am pretty well known there. People are watching me. They see Christ in working in me. And you know something, I am feeling tremendous pressure not to let people down. I have seen too many Christians fall. Honestly, I have been scared to death of this.

God’s plan is huge. Yet I feel small. I feel what he calling me to is too big for me. I have avoided his calling lately. I don’t think I can do it.

But how….   What if….

But then something amazing was revealed to me this past week. I have been reading a book called “I am not, but I know I am”. Its a book on being a part of God’s story. Its about being a small part of God’s big story. I heard a great verse this week. James 5:17 “Elijah was a man just like us.” I am just a man. I am small… God is Big. And he has big plans for a very small me.

I also had a guest speaker at my young adult group. He was a pastor who had an affair. I failed in his ministry. Yet God is still using him. I spoke with him afterwards. I told him of my fears. He realy stressed accountability. He stressed having someone you can be totally honest with. People who understand what you are going through. I have amazing guys in my small group. They have helped tons in keeping me in my walk and in the scripture. I love those guys. But honestly, I feel I need just a bit more. I have asked a gentlemen who has been through it all and has failed in his life as well to help me. He was once in ministry. He goes to my church and his kids and my kids are friends. I see him all the time. And the guest speaker at my church recommended him as well. He admitted that going into ministry won’t be easy. It will be scary. But I’m greatful for my Pastors at my church, my men’s group and this gentleman who has agreed to help me.

I drove up to L.A. this week to attend a Christian movement called Passion. It an amazing event that raises global awareness in young adults. I had an amazing time. It brought me closer to God. But the two speakers spoke on two things that touched my heart. Louie Giglio spoke on looking to the cross during tough times.. when life isn’t so great. It tells us that God loves us, he knows what we are going through and that he has control over what is going on. And then Frances Chan spoke on the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit lives in us. He makes all things possible. Why don’t I call on the Holy Spirit? Why am I so scared to live this life for Chirst when I have the Holy Spirit in me. I can’t do the things God is calling me to… but he can. He can make a very small person do very big things through Christ. This broke me. I was in tears over this.

God has done amazing things in my life. He will continue to do amazing things in my life as long as I stay faithful to him and follow His will. I have confidence in the Holy Spirit to make this happen.

I WANT TO BE THE DIFFERENCE!